However You Need to Grieve, It's Okay

There will come a time for action. That time is not now.

Photo by Road Trip with Raj on Unsplash

ETA: I wrote this last November, before the destruction of American democracy. I’m leaving this post as is, because even though now [May 2025] IS the time for action, we also need to grieve (especially Americans). You don’t have to go to every march. Fill your cup first; grieve and refuel. Then get out there and protest. This is not intended to blame or shame any individual. Rather it’s a call to action for those of us who are called to do this work.

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When I began the predecessor to this newsletter, Living the Mess, my intention was to write through challenges by reminding myself what I’d learned and experienced. That’s what I’m doing now. Counterintuitive Guide is read by people in 37 countries, though 73% are in the United States. All of us will be affected by this election. My apologies to non-U.S. subscribers for the heavy election content. I will return to more diverse content soon.

For the first 24 hours after the election, I felt confused and disoriented, like the brain fog when a loved one has died. On Wednesday night, the tears came, and they didn’t stop until I fell asleep. Then they came back Thursday morning.

I cry for my family in the States, especially those who are queer, trans and/or Jewish or Muslim, whose marriages, families and basic human rights are threatened. I grieve for all the women who no longer have autonomy over their bodies; all the LGBTQIA+ kids and adults and the abuses they’ll likely be subject to; all the immigrants who risked their lives to find somewhere safe to raise their kids, who have been contributing practically and financially to their communities for years, and who now are in fear of losing their human rights and possibly lives. I grieve for peace and truth and love winning. I grieve for what this may mean for Canada. And I grieve for the potential future Kamala Harris and Tim Walz offered the United States.

That future looked so bright, such a contrast to all the hate and division of the past eight years. The loss of that particular hope is devastating.

Of course, we don’t know what will happen, because those moments aren’t here yet. It’s important to stay as present as possible, but for many of us, emotions are too strong right now, and that’s okay. Allow your grief, however it’s expressing itself.

Everyone grieves differently

This is what I see: Some people are raging. Some are bitter. Some can’t stop crying. Some are dissociated and brain-foggy. Some are trying to distract themselves. A whole lot of us are comfort-eating, and some are numbing themselves with other substances. However you need to grieve, that’s the right way for you.

Grief is an energy that needs to move through the body. It’s telling you that you’ve lost something you valued deeply. Whatever you do, don’t try to shut it down in yourself or “spiritually bypass” (“This is fine, because everything is unfolding as it should!” or “I’m above worldly concerns.”). Yes, we are all expressions of one energy field. Maybe everything is unfolding. Maybe we are in a simulation. Yet the grief we feel, in our individual and collective human experience, is real.

Grief is an energy that must move through the body in order for effective action to happen.

Don’t take action from a place of grief

There is a famous saying (and one of the core paradoxes of human life): “What you resist, persists.” This doesn’t mean we can’t take important action to restore democracy. It just means don’t do it from a place of outrage.

There are different types of anger, and right now, most of us feel reactive anger. That’s the kind that will boomerang if we do anything other than just allow it to be. Go kickboxing or for a long run; express it through your body so the energy can be released. Just don’t try to effect social change from this place. Once this initial reactive energy has moved through the body, we can each act from responsive anger.

This is a good primer on the different types of anger.

Let yourself grieve. The time will come for action, but not if you haven’t allowed grief first.

An excellent resource for grief

My friend and editing colleague Lisa Cooper Ellison wrote a beautiful post, “Leaning into the Light,” in which she offers not only wisdom and comfort, but also practical resources for pulling yourself out of fear or rumination.

Leaning Into the Light