Stop Trying. Start Allowing.

Maybe Yoda was right, after all.

Image credit: Shutterstock

One early spring morning in 2010, I sat on the deck of my then-apartment with a cigarette in one hand and a pen in the other, resting over my journal. I was—again—down to pocket change, and it felt as though the doors to my previous life had been slammed shut (this was shortly before the sudden awakening). Despite sending out hundreds of resumes, I couldn’t find any work, and I was at a complete loss. “I’ve tried everything,” I wrote in despair. “I’ve tried so hard and nothing is working!” I took a drag off my cigarette as I looked out over the back yard.

When I looked down at my journal again, I saw the phrase “Stop trying. Start allowing.” I don’t know where it came from, though the handwriting was mine. I’d never heard anything like this—at least, not consciously—yet once it appeared, I began hearing and reading variations on this theme everywhere.

(I want to make clear I’m talking about emotions here, not, say, bodybuilding or rock climbing. There are places where putting in effort is skillful, but the path to inner peace isn’t one of them.)

What we resist, persists

When we’re trying and pushing through and efforting, we’re armoring ourselves against what is, and that’s a losing proposition. We’re resisting a situation that exists in that moment—maybe we’re broke, maybe our health, job or relationship is uncertain, or we’re feeling confused about our life.

There’s a catchy phrase many Buddhist teachers use: “What you resist, persists.” I’ve experienced this to be true, over and over again. When we’re in resistance, we’re focusing all our attention on the person, place, thing or situation that we believe should be different. To paraphrase Eckhart Tolle, resistance means that we feel morally superior to the present moment. To take it a step further, we feel morally superior to reality. That bolsters our conditioned ego, and operating from that place… well, if it worked beautifully, you probably wouldn’t be reading this.

Trying is energetically pushing against a situation. It means we’ve created a story about how our feeling, or the situation we’re in, is wrong and we are right. Trying doesn’t work, because it’s a purely human construct. Have you ever seen a sapling that was pushing hard to become a tree, or a flower that was determined to be the first to bloom?

The cultural myth of hustling and striving

The dominant culture is all about striving and hustling and pushing—that’s the foundation of free-market capitalism, isn’t it? Push and strive enough, and you can accomplish anything?

By now, though, we all understand that the playing field isn’t level. The American Dream is a capitalist myth rooted in systems of oppression. It’s a myth that was repeated so often, and by so many people with ‘credibility,’ that it was presumed to be a fact… until it became clear it wasn’t.

So perhaps other parts of the equation are false, too.

This myth of trying leads us to believe that taking action is the only way to get anywhere or change a situation (find a job, a home, a partner, etc.). Action does matter, but from what I’ve experienced, it’s only a tiny part of the equation. Our energy is far more powerful and generative than our actions. How we show up is every bit as important as what we do, probably even more so.

Allowing shifts everything

Allowing means surrendering to a situation as it is in the moment. Not the stories we’ve made about a situation, but just the facts. The breeze on your face. Traffic sounds. Rain hammering down. These are the facts of a given moment.

Over the past decade-plus, I’ve experienced how allowing creates shifts that trying can’t accomplish. Instead of striving for inner peace, I would go into the forest and allow myself to feel the peace that exists in the razor’s edge of this moment.

A few months ago, I began seeing social media ads for the Trust Technique, a novel approach to working with animals cooperatively, rather than trying to control and dominate them. The root of the Trust Technique is allowing the mind to become quiet, which in turn quiets our energy, which in turn relaxes the animals around us—human and otherwise. I’m not affiliated with or endorsing them; I’m just using the Trust Technique as an example.

I began experimenting with my cat, Ariel. She often jumps on the kitchen counter or otherwise tries to get my attention in disruptive ways (one of her nicknames is Bitey McBiteyface for a reason). Often, I’ll tell her to get down—though if you have a cat, you know how well that works (LOL). Sometimes I get more annoyed, especially if she’s close to stepping on a hot stove, climbing into a cabinet, or sniffing around dangerous-to-her foods.

Ariel, the adorable little rascal

Instead of trying to get her to jump down or to leave the food alone, I began turning these moments into a practice. I began to use these moments as a reminder to come into fierce presence. I essentially paused my thoughts by relaxing my body and mind and focusing deeply on sensations.

Almost every time I’ve done this, within a minute, Ariel will yawn, stretch or lie down. She calms down markedly, often in direct proportion to how much I’ve calmed down. I have tried this with dogs I meet on walks, and the other day, a Golden Retriever ran over to me and flopped on her back to request belly-rubs. If that’s not inspiration to try this, I’m not sure what else I can say!

How to stop trying and start allowing

It’s pretty simple, though ‘simple’ doesn’t always mean ‘easy.’

The first step, of course, is to recognize that you’re pushing really hard for a certain outcome. That alone can take some practice.

See if you can identify what you do want, rather than what you don’t want. When you identify what you want, that’s what you’re going to allow.

• Instead of trying to stop overthinking, allow your mind to become quieter.

• Instead of trying to calm down, allow calmness to flow through you.

• Instead of resisting whatever you’re feeling (grief, sadness, anger), allow yourself to feel it, so the pain can move through your body. (Caveat for those experiencing PTSD or CPTSD: You may want to try this in the presence of a trauma-informed therapist.)

Another caveat: There are different levels of trying/resisting. When the amygdala is activated and we have adrenaline coursing through our bodies, it’s almost impossible to make the switch to allowing.

In those situations—and I still experience them occasionally—it’s important to recognize that you’re in reactivity (fight-flight-freeze) and look for ways to soften it, like doing yoga, going for a run, walking or meditating in nature, or playing with an animal friend. Reactivity is painful enough, and trying to get rid of it only compounds the pain. Be as gentle as you can with yourself; reactivity means that very, very old pain has been activated.

When the reactivity has passed, set aside some time to allow. At first, you may want to sit with your eyes closed. With practice, you’ll be increasingly able to make the switch in real-time.

If you do this practice, please leave a comment and let me know what your experience was.

Just imagine this puppers asking you for belly rubs. Photo by Taylor Sondgeroth on Unsplash